It’s me again, I hope you remember me from last time…That’s not an awkward way to start a letter, is it? The last time I opened a letter like that I was accused of being a stalker and slapped with a restraining order. Ever been threatened with jail, Santa? Or worse, ever been threatened by a woman, wielding hot sauce?
I have really been good this year…okay, maybe I am no longer welcomed at the PTA meetings for speaking my mind but that banker really deserved it. Don’t you just hate it when people talk longer than they should, as if saying “last but not least” ten times will make the speech shorter?
Okay so maybe, I turned down that nice boy who wanted a dance. But you see, dancing with a guy who has two left feet is not pretty, and my toes are really not that strong. The only things allowed to squeeze them are my 6 inch stilettos.
Ever been called an angry black woman, Santa? My on and off boyfriend says that I’ve got issues, that I should see a shrink. This is how I picture myself in the shrink’s office. I’m lying on the couch (it better be leather because I’m not breaking my back for something as cheap as pleather or those cranky fabrics – you know the kind that creak every time you shift), looking at the ceiling and pretending to relax while what I’m really thinking about is how to ‘accidentally’ run into my hot neighbor. That’s not stalking, is it?
Oh Santa, I think we started off on the wrong foot. Have you ever been to Nairobi? No? Nairobi is that city that you don’t just fly over when on an African tour. Kindly pass this communique to President Obama. Communique? Really? I think I’m trying too hard. Is it working Santa?
Nairobi is also that city that has survived SEVERAL Ebola scares, at least by the time of hitting publish. Please pass this message to all Americans suffering from Fearbola. Next time you are in Kentucky (I hear there was a teacher who’s resigned after concerns were raised about her trip to Kenya), tell them that Nairobi is miles away from West Africa. Tell them they are lucky Kenyans on Twitter (KOT) didn’t get wind of this ‘defamation.’ If you don’t know how ruthless and unforgiving KOT are, please Google #someonetellsouthafrica or #someonetellnigeria or #someonetelltanzania or #someonetelluganda.
Nairobi is a thing of beauty but it is flawed. Ever had to watch your Samsung Galaxy glide from your pocket into the hands of another? Ever had to fight off a 186 pounds man in a narrow alley? Ever had to kick a man below the belt and hear him bleat like strangled goat? Animal activists don’t sue me; I’m only making a point here. NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED.
Ever had to squeeze yourself past a mass of well-fed Kenyans along the crowded Tom Mboya Street? Ever had your hair entangled in a lady’s back zipper and have her yank it out? Ever been tear-gassed in Ngara, only to have the hawker run away with your change, the cloth he was supposed to sell you and your own jacket which you gave him to hold. Have you Santa?
Dear Santa, does this dress make me look fat? I’ve always wondered how you would answer this question. Ho, ho, ho, does this costume make me look red? I think courtesy dictates that I should end this with a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!