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Hey yea of weak hearts, stay away from this post for it is full of spoilers.
The final episode of Game of Thrones season 7, The Dragon and the Wolf gave us what our hearts truly desired in more ways than one. Chatty moments, scheming moments, clandestine boat-rocking moments, throat-slitting moments and of course the Ice Dragon Viserion moments, all rolled up into the most adrenaline-pumped GoT episode yet. And it was long, just like we like it.
Diplomatic mission to King’s Landing
As usual, Cersei killed it in the fashion department, and she knew it as she walked in with her lethal security (zombie Mountain, Qyburn and Ser Jaime) to receive Daenerys emissaries at King’s Landing. There were a couple of deathly stares here and there, some nostalgic ones as they all waited for Dany who was fashionably late.
A show-off and a drama queen as usual, Dany made her entry riding Drogon, a well calculated power move that made Cersei snap:
“We’ve been here for some time.”
We’ve been waiting for these two to be in the same room since they started speaking each other’s names. We’ve dreamed about it, fantasized. And here they were, two Queens in one city, with deep hatred and contempt for one other, sitting so close to one another that Cersei could literally spit in Dany’s face if she only leaned forward.
Then it was down to the business we all know too well, trying to convince Cersei and the other doubting Thomases that the army of the dead is real. And they did make one hell of a presentation, showcasing the wight kidnapped in Beyond the Wall. Of course, White Walkers 101 is never complete without a heartfelt speech from Jon.
Cersei agreed to support the war against the dead with a few conditions of her own. That the King in the North must go back to the North, and not choose sides between Dany and Cersei. Just a tiny problem, Jon has already bent the knee to Dany, and he chooses this highly volatile moment to let everyone know that.
Oh Jon, have you never learned to lied? I must say, our noble King in the North really needs a lot of training when it comes to the politics of the game of thrones.
Cersei threw a tantrum and left, Tyrion followed her knowing too well he might not make it out alive and convinced her to join them in their quest. She came back out and told them all what they wanted to hear, the Lannister army will march North with Jon and Dany’s army to fight the wights and the White Walkers.
But Cersei sits on the Iron Throne for a reason – no one schemes better than her. No one lies better than her. It was just her way of throwing Dany off course so she can conquer Westeros as everyone else fights in the North. Revealing all this to Jaime didn’t achieve the intended purpose – he still left to join the great war after narrowly escaping being murdered by the Moutain. Cersei almost ordered it, but she choked because well, have you seen Jaime’s jawline?
The Stark sisters outsmart Littlefinger
While major play and power struggle was taking place at the capital, Winterfell was getting rid of the most hated character on Game of Thrones, Littlefinger. For a character who gets off on scheming and betraying the Starks, to die by his own dagger was very satisfying. After conniving to have Arya punished for murder and treason, Littlefinger thought he had really hit the jackpot with this one – Sansa by his side, the threat of Arya Stark eliminated for good. Seriously, I was just waiting for the first soldier to swing a sword at Arya because we all know a girl can take care of herself.
But then GoT gave us the long awaited plot twist – it wasn’t Arya but Littlefinger who was on trial. The Stark sisters’ revenge against Littlefinger was a wishful thinking to many in this season. And they planned it well, Bran had a bit of his Three-Eyed Raven sauce thrown in there as well, the all-creepy, all-knowing, all smart Littlefinger didn’t even see it coming.
My God, Sansa was divine. And here we thought we’d see the last of her clapbacks after that time she put Littlefinger in his place in Dragonstsone. Mama, she made it!
“I’m a slow learner, it’s true. But I learn…Thank you for your many lessons Lord Baelish, I will never forget them.”
And then Arya did what she was born to do, she slashed Ldittlefinger’s throat and now the world’s problems are solved.
Jon and Daenerys finally rock the boat
When it comes to nudity and sex scenes, GoT has been very modest this season. Sure, there was that Grey Worm – Missandei moment, Jaime -Cersei moment, eww, but that was it. Enter Jon and Dany who have given us some really longing stares, the sex scene in the boat was inevitable. Woooh! Jon is one hungry king. Also, bless Kit Harrington’s soul for that butt. I will need your squats routine Jon, thank you very much.
For all intents and purposes, this was a heated scene, the audience needed this. But then it became awkward all of a sudden when they started intercutting it with the Sam-Bran revelation that Jon is not even a bastard but a legitimate Targaryen, making him the real heir to the Iron Throne.
Honestly, it was a conflict of emotions for us to see Jon and his aunt Dany so hungry for each other. At least they still don’t know they are related. It’s really weird I know, but can we really be blamed for liking it and being confused at the same time? This season didn’t give us much choice when they gave us all those sexual innuendos between Jon and Dany.
The redemption of Theon Greyjoy
This was unexpectedly the most emotional scene of this episode. If you didn’t shed a tear, you are extremely cold. In desperate need for forgiveness for sins committed against the Starks and for abandoning his sister Yara, Theon sought the comfort of Jon Snow who gave him the courage to man up and be both a Stark and a Greyjoy.
To man up he did, even getting a few loyal Ironborns to follow him and help him save his sister.
Seven blessings to him, I really hope Theon will catch a break in season 8.
Ice dragon Viserion brings down the wall
The other iconic scene of the finale was seeing the undead Viserion controlled by the Night King bring down the wall at Eastwatch-by-the-sea to pave way for the army of the dead. Was that icy fire he blew because so many people are confused.
I pity us humanity who have to wait until 2019 to know the fate of Tormund Gianstbane and Berric Dondarrion who were caught in Viserion’s mayhem.
For now, that was one heck of a send-off, The Dragon and the Wolf was a well-curated, powerful episode for the busiest season of Game of Thrones. Good to know the ravens were not overworked this time.
Before we begin on our weekly guilty pleasure of spoilers and rants, let it be known that this is Littfinger’s hate zone. Feel free to tell that old salamander to piss off. Please, please dear Benioff and Weiss let this be the episode he dies, I hoped and I prayed.
But as it would seem, the sixth episode of Game of Thrones titled Beyond the Wall was not where it was going to happen. Tik tok Littlefinger.
We start off the episode just as we left it, with Jon Snow’s Suicide Squad heading beyond the wall just dealing with their issues like Tormund Gianstbane looking forward to making cute babies with Brienne of Tarth. Such a genius idea guys. Look at them, twelve men (I counted but I could be wrong) of sound mind and legal capacity just heading out to snatch one wight from the infinite army of the dead. Death really is the enemy.
Their first face-off with danger comes in form of an undead bear who kills an insignificant member of the squad and wounds Thoros of Myr.
So far so good. Next they come upon a small group of wights led by a White Walker who are no match for the squad. They even manage to capture one alive. A little fighter this one, just before they subdue him he screams his heart out to summon an entire race of wights.
If there was a point in your life you ever thought you were screwed, that wasn’t it. Now Jon and his squad are SCREWED, not you who was once stranded in an airport toilet with no tissue paper as your last call buzzed over the speakers.
Lucky for them they have Gendry who can run really fast (when did he acquire this skill???) and off he goes to send a raven to Daenerys as instructed by Jon.
And then we see them, an avalanche of the dead descends on Jon and his five men army. With the ice also sinking around them, our genius squad take refuge on top of a rock outcrop. Bless Mother Nature for such tiny miracles. Now it’s a stare contest between the White Walkers and our Westerosi Avengers as they wait on the surrounding water to freeze again.
Tik tok, tik tok. Gendry is running really fast. The squad is freezing as they try to sleep. Our little wight prisoner is restless. Thoros of Myr is no more. Look, the Hound is bored to death, as usual. He throws the first stone, and the second. Uh-oh, the water is frozen once again.
The wights attack. We almost lose Tormund. Freezing, outnumbered, there is no other way this battle could possible end for Jon and his crew. And then, a lake of fire.
Once again Game of Throne defies distance between continents as Daenerys, dressed like a real Ice Queen swoops in with her three children to save the day.
Aah, the things we do for love. She may deny it to Tyrion as much as she wants but Dany is falling in love with this man – Jon.
It’s a moment of relief to see the army of the dead get a taste of dragon’s fury. Yaassss bitches, we have dragons! Move wights, Get Out The Way!
Just when it looks too good to be true, the Night King aims his juju javelin at Viserion and the poor thing comes tumbling down. Cersei will really like this guy. He has managed to kill a dragon.
Everyone joins Dany on Drogon’s back except Jon who is plunged into the icy water by a wight. Game of Thrones really has a thing for drowning lately. Unable to save the King in the North and with the Night King going for his second dragon kill, Dany flies away.
But Jon doesn’t die easily and as is expected he survives drowning. Look it’s Uncle Benjen coming to the rescue. Hey stranger.
The relief on Dany’s face when she sees Jon coming back to Eastwatch, and Jorah, the King of the Friendzone keeps taking it like a man.
Now that the matter of White Walkers has been briefly suppressed, Jon makes a really bad decision. Really Jon? We are bending the knee now? To see the King in the North revisit this salty subject and agree to bend the knee even when Dany was ready to risk it all for him breaks my heart.
I know he feels some sense of gratitude, and even guilt for what happened to her dragon but to sell out the North like that. The North Remembers and they are not going to take this betrayal lightly.
I wonder what Arya will say now that her precious Jon has decided to call Dany his Queen, seeing that she is so quick to judge Sansa for things she knows nothing about. A girl can sure hold a grudge. Don’t get me wrong I love Arya Stark and everything she represents but she needs to direct her dagger and anger to the elephant in the room. Aah Littlefinger, I couldn’t possibly be talking about you, could I?
Oh, and Viserion is a White Walker dragon now. I literally screamed when his eyes opened and they were blue. Cersei is really going to love this.
Seriously, you must have watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones by now. It’s Tuesday for Pete’s Sake, how slow can you be? But then, a girl is not judging just warning you that you will find spoilers here.
While lacking any major fight scenes, the fifth episode Eastwatch was the perfect way to cool off from the Loot Train Battle in The Spoils of War.
We jump right off to it with Bronn saving Jaime from the depth of the river. Like Game of Thrones would just let Ser Jaime drown, pfft. Drowning is for inconsequential characters like say Ed Sheeran who is probably part of the Lannister army who took the heat from Drogon.
Nooo, Dickon Tarly, I liked that guy with his handsome face and really, really weird name. But I guess Daenerys and Drogon had to have their fun. Fare thee well Dickon and Lord Randyll Tarly (you sir I didn’t like).
Despite Drogon’s briefly showing off, there were a lot of moments to live for in Eastwatch, more reunions to remind us that Game of Thrones gives as much as it takes, a surprise announcement from Cersei, Jon petting Drogon (this is where I lost my shit) and so many lingering looks between Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen.
Guys, it seems like the Mother of Dragons couldn’t keep her eyes off the King in the North. We saw it, it started way back before Jon petted Drogon, that side glance she threw him in episode 4. Jon is that guy who comes to your house and falls in love with your kids like they are his own. Who wouldn’t want that?
Dany even had the audacity to forbid the noble King in the North to go beyond the wall because, well, people die beyond the wall. She swallowed hard at that moment, just couldn’t keep her eyes off him and no more talks of “bending the knee.”
“If I don’t return at least you wont deal with the King in the North anymore.”
“I’ve grown used to him.”
Hmmm, love just knocks you off your feet when you least expect it, doesn’t it Daenerys?
Jorah Mormont saw it too (welcome back good soldier), even Tyrion didn’t miss this developing love story.
A round of applause for Tyrion, he had his first drink of the season now he can know more things. Or maybe they are just more terrible strategies that Cersei will use to her own advantage.
I smell a White Walker alliance coming because Cersei, well, is crazy. And now she is with child, or is she? With Cersei you can never know for sure.
Oh Arya, to be young and restless. Our little assassin has gone for many days without killing something, she was just dying to stick Needle into anyone’s throat say like Lords of the North or even her own sister Sansa.
Arya was way in over her head in Eastwatch that she played right into the hands of schemer extraordinaire Littlefinger. The Lord Protector of the Vale planted a letter Sansa wrote to Robb a while back when she was still Joffrey’s play thing. If you remember correctly, Sansa was forced to pen this letter by Cersei to ‘talk sense into her family’ to bend the knee to then King Joffrey after Ned Stark was arrested for treason.
It’s a shame that the Faceless Men do not teach their students how to scheme. A girl has fallen into a trap. Now a girl is out to murder her sister. Y’all think Sansa is on Arya’s list now? Sleek Littlefinger, very sleek but still piss off you creep.
Better news than Arya getting played, Gendry is back and he can swing a hammer. White Walkers should be very afraid. Just imagine a band of misfits Jon Snow, Gendry, Jorah Mormont, Tormund and his Free Folk, The Hound and the Brotherhood Without Banners heading beyond the wall. Again, White Walkers should be very afraid.
Boo to Sam for ignoring the biggest revelation from Gilly – Jon is actually a legitimate Targaryen!😲😲😲
Quick question, where is Grey Worm and the Unsullied?
The internet is dark and full of spoilers.
The script of the fourth episode of Game of Thrones may have been leaked (to those who read it, TRAITORS) but still The Spoils of War hit hard like a wrecking ball of fire.
In the previous three episodes, things were starting to look quite easy for Cersei, a little too easy for someone with that many enemies. Through her blood-thirsty ally Euron Greyjoy, she had defeated Daenerys’ allies, raided Highgarden for gold and became a new favourite for the Iron Bank. Such luck, we were beginning to worry.
In retaliation to the Queen’s Justice, the Mother of Dragons serves up her own justice against the Lannister’s army (after nagging Jon about bending the knee). Heeding to Lady Olenna’s advice “You are a dragon, be a dragon,” Dany swoops in just in time to show Cersei who the real Queen is.
Riding Drogon, the fearless Dothraki by her side, the Lannister army doesn’t stand a chance. This is the moment we have all been waiting for. For Daenerys to give Westeros a little taste of her dragon’s fury. It’s a masterpiece, and everyone including Jaime and Bronn are in awe as the platinum blond miniatured on Drogon’s back awashes the Lannister army with dragonfire. “Dracarys.” And everything in Drogon’s path turns into dust. Fire and blood.
Oh, wait a minute, the Lannisters possess a secret weapon – Qyburn’s dragonkiller cross-bow.
Wounded by Bronn, Drogon isn’t one to go down without a fight. Game of Thrones creators must really love Bronn because how he escapes the dragonfire is really, really questionable. Major characters have gone down for a lot less.
Or maybe his life is spared so he can save Jaime who, caught in the heroism of the moment and seeing Drogon wounded, seizes the moment to attack Dany.
Bad move mate, as echoed by his brother Tyrion who watches from a distance as Jaime advances towards Dany. Tyrion knows it, we know it, Drogon will protect his mother at all costs. He unleashes fire on the advancing Lannister. Uh-oh, is this how it ends for the Kingslayer, death by dragonfire?
Swoosh, Bronn to the rescue. The last we see of Jaime is him plunging deep into the river unsure whether he is dead or alive. Is this how he dies, death by drowning? That’s not a death befitting someone as significant as Ser Jaime. But then Game of Thrones is never here to please anyone.
Away from dragons and fire, behold, a girl is home. Arya Stark’s reunion with her siblings Sansa and Bran, er the Three-Eyed Raven, was beautiful to watch but nothing quite beats her friendly combat with Brienne of Tarth. Brienne, the tall thing of beauty she is, towers over Arya who wields Needle (a laughable weapon at first glance) but quite a dangerous one once she starts waterdancing around Brienne.
Brienne: Who taught you that?
Arya: No One.
Jaqen H’gar would be proud.
It’s quite a match, even Sansa and creepy Littlefinger can’t believe the metamorphosis of young Arya Stark.
For a show that has been criticized for belittling and raping women, GoT has sure come a long way in the strong woman narrative, from the empowered former slaver multi-translator Missandei to the brilliant and enlightened Sansa Stark. This is no longer a war of Kings but of Queens.
Watch carefully Littlefinger, the night is dark and full of terrors. If Brienne doesn’t slice his throat, maybe Arya will. I pray for that day.
Emo Bran continues to break women’s hearts as he succumbs deep into being the Three-Eyed Raven. Meera Reed, I speak on behalf of everybody when I say, we value your services to Bran and to the North. You were more than just Bran’s Uber driver to us.
O ye, of weak hearts, shoo. Go find something better to do with your time because as usual, you’ll find spoilers here as I try to wrap my head around the third episode of Game of Thrones S7: The Queen’s Justice.
Let no one speak to me for 100 days. I shall be in mourning. I am heartbroken. Send a raven, the Queen of Thorns is no more. The Queen’s Justice has been served on the only woman I have ever truly cared for in Game of Thrones. The woman who freed us from the monster that was Joffrey Baratheon. The woman who put the Sand Snakes in their place (other than Euron Greyjoy of course). We shall miss your wits and your sharp tongue. Fare thee well.
She may be dead but we are all satisfied it was on her own terms. Once she drinks the poison served to her by Jaime Lannister (who gives her the mercy of a quick painless death), she confesses to poisoning Joffrey and Jaime just stands there, swallowing his failure to return the favour. “Tell Cersei I want her to know it was me.” A true queen of thorns even in her last moments.
So much for Tyrion’s strategy of war. So much for the Unsullied capturing Casterly Rock. So much for Daenerys Targaryen’s war allies.
While we are still on the subject of the Mother of Dragons, can we also discuss how Dany would fail terribly in a grammar class? It’s always refreshing to see Missandei and Tyrion clarify simple lexicon to her. For instance her latest war of words with Jon Snow.
The highly anticipated meeting finally happens and Daenerys starts off as a little bit of an ass before ‘warming’ up to Jon Snow. Like c’mon Dany, give him the dragonglass! He’s a Targaryen for crying out loud!
I’m starting to think that Dany is a little too entitled for her own good. Yeah, yeah you had a horrible childhood, so did Jon, Bran, Sansa and Arya. But do you see them whining about it every chance they get. Also, this business of making Missandei waste too much saliva, breath and energy to introduce her needs to stop. “You stand in the presence of Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, rightful heir to the Iron Throne…blah blah blah.” My God, it’s been seven seasons, I think we get it already.
Ser Davos is a gem though. “This is Jon Snow.” Pause. Awkward silence. Expectation. “He’s King of the North.” I laughed so hard. Someone get the Onion Knight a beer. And throw in Missandei’s phone number while at it.
Tyrion might look like a failure at the moment for proposing shitty war strategies but he’s quite efficient when it comes to speaking on behalf of Jon Snow.
Did you see that smile they gave each other at the shores of Dragonstone. Pay attention ladies and gentlemen, that is a rare image of a Stark (until Bran speaks up, Jon is a Stark so let it go) exchanging genuine smiles with a Lannister.
At King’s Landing, Cersei is still on a winning spree, making booty calls, avenging old crimes and trying to keep the Iron Throne. When Euron presents his spoils of war to the Queen, we all know the end game for Ellaria Sand. But for Cersei to poison her youngest daughter and make her watch as she rots away in another level of evil.
Aye, aye, all present and future monsters and sympathizers of monsters everywhere, Cersei is conducting a masterclass on “How to be the best monster” in the dungeons. Good riddance to the Dornish plotline. Oh Cersei, how we all underestimated you.
Team Dany better start bringing their A game because at the moment Team Cersei is in the lead and they are winning comfortably.
Good job Sam. The Citadel was nice to us in this episode. No food. No poop. No gag reflex. Jorah Mormont is alive and well- greyscale gone. Now he can go love Daenerys in peace.
This never gets old, piss off Littlefinger.
And so it begins. Arya Stark’s cold open in Dragonstone is passed, Ed Sheeran is gone and it’s back to business as usual in Westeros.
As much as viewers have been questioning the role of Dorne and the Sand Snakes in Game of Thrones narrative, it was somehow sad to watch Obara and Nymeria fall at the hands of Euron Greyjoy.
Euron is certainly not messing around with this villain thing. Compared to Joffrey or Ramsay, his bloodlust actually matches his battle skills, and with a dash of glee as promised of his character. He is not like Joffrey who hid behind the crown like the coward he was. Nor is he like Ramsay who didn’t prove to be much of a fighter when he was finally thrown in the real battlefield by Jon Snow. Perhaps his biggest accomplishment as a psychopath was turning Theon into Reek. Poor Theon, not the kind of man you want fighting beside you in a battle. Poor Yara. Poor Ellaria. There goes part of Daenerys’ alliance.
Good thing she has her eyes set on the North courtesy of Melisandre who comes knocking at Dragonstone and convinces Dany to summon Jon Snow.
“Tell Jon Snow that his Queen invites him to come to Dragonstone. And bend the knee.”
She may be the Mother of Dragons but she is rather demanding. To summon our noble King in the North like that, asking him to bend a knee. Lyanna Mormont must hear about this.
Oops, Lyanna Mormont does hear about it. And like everyone in the council at Winterfell, she doesn’t appreciate the rest of Westeros taking the North granted.
“I mean c’mon, who do they think we are. We are the effin North for God’s sake. We remember. Ask Ramsay. Ask Meryn Trant. Ask Polliver. Ask Walder Frey, his baked sons and the entire males of House Frey. Yes, I am reciting Arya’s kills like I was there but who asked for your opinion. I am Lady of the Bear Islands.”
Even with the council’s disapproval, including Sansa’s and a creepy look from Littlefinger (I expect more scenes where Jon chokes Littlefinger), he still rides for Dragonstone because he needs Dragonglass to kill the White Walkers and Dany’s home is full of it.
The people’s enemy Cersei Lannister continues to plot. Looks like her minion Qyburn has found a way to kills Dany’s dragons. This episode couldn’t get any luckier for Cersei. Her ally Euron is killing her enemies for her. Dany’s dragons are not all that powerful. Arya is now heading North instead of South. Someone send a raven, what a lucky day for the Queen!
Missandei and Grey Worm, you beautiful creatures. Grey Worm, the Unsullied, teaching men how to love since 1934.
Seriously, Sam I cannot stand your scenes this season. Nope.
The opening scene. The brutality of it. The humour of it. The march after the killing. The victorious music. The quotes. “Leave one wolf alive, and the sheep are never safe.” Arya Stark’s revenge on House Frey was legendary – the best thing that happened in Game of Thrones season 7 episode 1.
Channeling what should have been her mother’s responsibility (had Benioff and Weiss revived her from the dead) as Lady Stoneheart, Arya transforms into a Faceless Man, gathers the Frey men for a feast a la The Red Wedding and poisons them all.
“When people ask you what happened here, tell them the North remembers. Tell them Winter came for House Frey.” Arya Stark has never been this quotable in all the six seasons on Game of Thrones. Atta girl.
Then she marches away, fiercely, eyebrows on fleek (as always).
In Winterfell, the woes of the King in the North begin. While holding a council on how to best fight the White Walkers, the first sign of tension between Jon Snow and Sansa Stark rears its ugly head. Then we catch a glimpse of Littlefinger, eyes gleaming with satisfaction as he watches the fire he ignited start to burn. Piss off you old prick.
It’s a good thing Sansa puts him in his place later. “No need to seize the last word Lord Baelish, I’ll assume it was something clever.” Damn, the Stark girls are on fire with the one-liners in this episode.
OMG Lyanna Mormont. The Lady of the Bear Islands is in her fiercest behavior as usual defending Jon’s honour. “I don’t plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me.” Lyanna Mormont, never change please.
In King’s Landing, Cersei Lannister, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, err I mean Three Kingdoms (reality check from Jaime Lannister) is preparing an offensive against Daenerys Targaryen. Cersei being Cersei, has enemies everywhere and not enough allies to take on a girl with three dragons.
Enter Euron Greyjoy, the newly crowned Lord of the Iron Islands with his fleet of a thousand ships. Aye, exactly what Cersei needs. Oh and he brings with him a marriage proposal, taking a swing at Jaime’s one handedness while at it. Just rude, very rude. You don’t point out a man’s physical inadequacy in front of his lady err sister.
Watching Euron in action, we have no doubt that he will be a worse villain that Ramsay Bolton and Joffrey Baratheon combined. The beard helps. I’m not sure about his costume though but it’s Euron so anything is possible. Also someone needs to explain his uncanny resemblance to Theon Greyjoy’s Alfie Allen. Anyone?
Samwell Tarly. Nope, not gonna talk about it. The bed pan. The food. Moving on.
Hey look, it’s Ed Sheeran debuting a new single as a member of the Lannister army. I have to say he looks out of place but it’s Ed so he is allowed to look out of place, especially with that kind of voice. Also, Imma need that single on iTunes ASAP.
Welcome home Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen. Westeros has missed you. Dragonstone has missed you. And so it begins or as Dany says, “Shall we begin.”
Idris Elba cannot play the role of 007, they said. He is too street to play the ever classy – martini drinking James Bond, they said. Pfft…too street to play Bond? Have they seen this Londoner rock a bespoke suit? Meanwhile, I’ll just leave this one here as Exhibit A. Doesn’t he look like a Bond?
To all naysayers, if you still have doubts that Idris can pull off a Bond role, I present Exhibit B: Beasts of No Nation.
In this Netflix production, Idris stamps his reputation as a world-class actor when he plays Commandant, a brutal warlord commandeering an army of predominantly child soldiers in a West African country plagued by civil war.
The movie starts out on a really comical tone but builds up to a depressing and gruesome story where little boys are trained to torture, kill and rape.
As Commandant, Idris is so despicable that some of his fans would find it difficult reconcile the man they swoon over from the rebel leader who enjoys molesting the boys in his army just as much as he likes protecting them.
I put my friend up to watching this movie (because why wouldn’t you?), and she came back to me the next morning with her review, “You have ruined Idris Elba for me. I liked the movie but did he really have to be so brutal?”
She is currently scouring the internet looking for anything that might redeem Idris from the monster he was in Beasts. Poor thing. Your suggestions for mending her broken heart are welcome.
Beasts of No Nation works because of a number of reasons but mostly because of Idris. You see, there is something about this actor. It’s not even about his tall, dark and handsome self (not that we mind), it’s about his whole presence, the power he commands when he strolls into a scene. I can’t really describe it without sounding like a stalker. But you all get my point, those who don’t I send you back to exhibit A above.
A powerful presence, isn’t this what is expected of all our James Bonds? Well, other than their obsession to woo women with awkwardly suggestive names (Pussy Galore and Octopussy still kill me to date…SMH).
You all didn’t think I was going to finish this post without mentioning newcomer Abraham Attah as Agu, the little boy through whose eyes Beasts unfold. Agu delivers a poignant performance from his age of innocence to the point he is corrupted by his maniacal commandant.
To act alongside Idris is intimidating because chances you will get swallowed by his magnitude. But not Agu, tiny as he may be, this is a boy who demands attention, whether he is just selling an Imagination TV or going for his first kill with a machete.
As you take in every word, every pause in his present-continuous narration, you realize that this is Agu’s world. The Commandant may be in charge but it is still Agu’s world, if only fate would let him take control of it.
This is a movie that people will remember for years, whether it’s because it dehumanizes little children or because Idris delivers a disturbingly compelling performance. Either way, and taking the Oscar buzz into account, Idris Elba’s powerful presence in Beasts is something the Academy Award cannot ignore. Or would they?
I am not a feminist, at least not in the classical sense of the word but I owe it to mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers all over to speak out. It’s a sad day to be a GoT fan, it’s even sadder if you are a woman. We know Benioff and Weiss to be too bold and controversially rebellious with their adaptation of A Song of Ice and Fire.
And we have been patient, digesting everything they’ve thrown at us (some unpalatable) from the unnecessary sexposition to incestual affairs to the Joffrey-Ros torture scene which is one of the most disturbing scenes to date.
But the two creators have now reached a certain level of grotesque vanity, sadistically represented by the gratuitous rape scenes in GoT. As much as we’d want to forget, we all remember Drogo raping Daenerys Targaryen in S1, Ser Jaime Lannister raping Cersei in S4 but the one that has enraged fans all over is last episode’s rape of Sansa Stark.
In the sixth episode of Season 5 titled Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken, Sansa is bent, bowed and broken in the most despicable way when she’s raped by her new husband Ramsay Bolton on their wedding night.
While GoT’s obsession with victimizing Sansa Stark is something we have forced ourselves to accept, this recent dehumanization was unnecessary and brutal, even by GoT’s standards.
Did GoT really need to rape Sansa Stark? We already know that Ramsay Bolton is a sociopath, far worse than the demented boy king Joffrey (may his soul
NOT rest in peace). This alone is enough to summarize in succinct the hell that is Sansa’s new marriage.
Therefore, to add rape to her misfortunes is the most heinous mistake that the two creators could have made. Out of some sadistic misogynistic mentality, GoT has turned such a serious act as rape into a mere plot device where Benioff and Weiss can play around with on a whim.
And perhaps the most disturbing thing about these scenes is that they have nothing to do with A Song of Ice and Fire, and knowing Benioff and Weiss experimentation with extremities, we can only fear what is to come next.
For everyone who had to sit through the entire premiere episode of Citizen TV’s highly publicized Santalal, allow me to share your pain. As a member of the audience, I’m allowed to have expectations. Scratch that, let me go the revolution way of airing complaints: IT IS MY RIGHT TO HAVE EXPECTATIONS whenever a new show comes up. And on the part of the show creators, writers, actors, DOPs, these expectations have to be fulfilled. I don’t ask for much, only that you dazzle me with your oozing creativity, and maybe just a little vanity.
But Santalal was wrong in so many levels, my expectations were squashed in the first five minutes into the show. I’ve been known to have the patience of a ticking time bomb, five minutes is even longer for me but I decided to play ball. I waited and waited for my hook, something that could grab my attention, even remotely, make me care about this show to want to watch it again. But nothing. Thirty minutes is a long time not to deliver. As a protagonist, Santalal didn’t even leave a mark on my mind. She didn’t evoke anything, not even sympathy after being dropped off in an ASAL region.
Yes, I get it that they were establishing the story, introducing their characters one by one. I believe that there is a way this can be done without boring us to death. I even get it that there are some shows which start off with really bad pilots and evolve into masterpieces. If Santalal can pull this off, I will personally call Gerald Langiri, swallow my pride and ask for an autograph. Be a patriot now, follow this link http://amvcaawards.dstv.com/ and vote for him. He’s been nominated for Africa Magic Viewers Choice Award, Best Actor in a Comedy Category (it is time to dethrone Nigeria).
Back to the matter at hand, the pilot is the most important episode of a show because it will determine so many things. First, it determines the longevity of the show, sadly not in our case because some bad shows have been on air since the 2000s and there is nothing we can do about it. The pilot also determines the number of audience the show will sustain thereafter. Audience is king, but in a country like Kenya the audience is often taken for a ride. That is why our broadcasters push mediocre shows down our throats.
If I could master enough courage, I’d be waving some placards in the street corner and demand to be taken seriously as a member of the audience. The Constitution might call this incitement but don’t mind me, it’s the consequences of too much caffeine coalescing with repressed rebelliousness. It wears off in the morning.
All I’m saying is when introducing a new show tread carefully fellas. You don’t want skeptical people like me writing bad reviews about your ‘creative breakthroughs’ in the middle of the night. The pilot is a selling tool, to broadcasters, to the audience which ultimately relates to the money machine – the advertisers.
A good pilot opens the door to brighter things to come. A fairly good one allows us an opportunity to at least peek through the window. An average one leaves us at the gate to walk the rest of the way and get to the door. But this one never even got us closer to any doors or windows. No white picket fence to peep over. Like Santalal, we were dropped off in a dusty, deserted bus stop. But unlike her, we were not picked up by a ‘not so good uncle,’ instead we were left waiting, and time just passed by until we saw the fading credits. I felt cheated, a rip-off of my precious time.
I can’t believe I held off going to the bathroom for this show, a priviledge only accorded shows like The Good Wife, How to Get Away with Murder, Friends, OITNB, Orphan Black, Mad Men, Homeland, Arrow If the writers don’t tighten the plot, even Nollywood ace Desmond Elliot won’t be able to save this one.