Category Archives: It’s a Kenyan thing

#Someone tell South Africa: Hell hath no fury like a Kenyan ‘scorned’

Kenyans On Twitter otherwise known as KOT are a very special breed. They are particular on who they choose to ‘love’ or ‘hate.’ And they are fickle too; today you may savour their love and tomorrow get smothered by their hate.

Kenyans may be divided along other lines but when it comes to twitter battles, they lick each others wounds and attack with everything they got. They are joined together by mutual determination: how intense they can massacre people on Twitter, from Kenyan self proclaimed socialites like Vera Sidika to countries that unconsciously make Kenyans an enemy.

Social media has become an indispensable platform, no doubt, and Twitter battles have become KOT’s Holy Grail. Make no mistakes, KOT are the real villains of twitter. Maybe not in the classical sense of the world, but they know how to make an evolved country like South Africa look like Africa’s joke.

Since Tuesday, the hashtag #Someonetellsouthafrica has been trending on Twitter as the ardent KOT pummel South Africa as a reaction to one Fikile Mbalula’s utterances during a press conference. Mbalula is a South African Minister for Sports and Recreation whose comments rubbed Kenya the wrong way.

“You cannot transform sports without targets. But at the same time South Africa wouldn’t be like Kenya and send athletes to the Olympics to drown in the pool.” Now I am assuming Mbalula thought himself wise to allude to a country like Kenya in explaining his country’s sporting inadequacies. I only wish he knew a tinge about Kenyans. We take offence in everything, from messing with our footballers in some dusty stadium in Lagos to firing a Kenyan teacher in Tanzania. Yes, we are that petty and KOT is our own legitimate army.

KOT has fought battles like #someonetellnigeria, #someonetelluganda, #someonetelltanzania and a shortlived #someonetellbotswana (I know you are thinking, Botswana…really KOT. Even, I never understood this one. Botswana is such a mute country, it couldn’t hurt a fly).

Kenyan twitter battles are like pitting Floyd Mayweather against a cowardly rookie. I am not a boxing enthusiast (how I knew Floyd Mayweather is none of your business) but even I know how this will end. The chances are always slim for the other party to come out victorious. And boy, don’t they try. But #someonetellkenya has never been as ruthless, as vindictive and as hilarious as KOT’s retaliation.

KOT aren’t forgiving, perhaps forgetful, but never forgiving. And they are also impulsive. Only Kenyans are allowed to say something negative about Kenya, and even that has to be sanctioned by at least a sizable percentage. Kenyans in the diaspora are not accorded this priviledge, because well, they are in the diaspora. KOT’s insults are homegrown, laced with a comical twist spawning from years of mastery and creativity.

Just say something resembling a reproach (even if remotely) and insults will ensue from the periphery to the epicenter, with everyone caught in this mayhem either by participation or observation. And the insults will pour!

Kenyans are smart and restless. When you say something about Kenya, there is always the reading between the lines with KOT trying to decipher what you meant or were insinuating. I wonder how our Intelligence agency conducts its recruitment since they are so bogus and KOT are so thorough…maybe the word is ‘inquisitive’…I’m just sayin’.

Before you know it, uttering something like ‘Kenyans like tea’ will be translated to mean ‘Kenyans cannot afford coffee.’ Even before you blink, there will be a hashtag trending with your name plastered on it. KOT will rain down on you with passionate insults befitting only criminals like the White Widow. It can’t get any personal than that. They will taunt you and hound you till they get bored or till they find another toy to play with.

You see the Kenyan creativity when combined with good energy could build empires, but that is a story for another day. Reason: we syphon all our energy in social media and feed in its orgasm until we are dry.

After a few days when the heat has died down, the rest of Kenyans will retreat back to social media anonymity and lay in waiting as KOT monitors and crawls the internet in search of any incriminating evidence on a new ‘enemy’ who needs to be trolled. I reiterate, KOT are the real villains of twitter.


Of marriage bill and the queer Kenyan MPs

Before I begin dwelling on my topic, allow me to digress. I think in this age, it is unanimous that Kenyans are a peculiar people. It is also unanimous that our MPs take the trophy for being even more peculiar. Peculiarity is entrenched in us because it is part of being Kenyan – it comes with the tag, by default. But don’t get me wrong, by queer I don’t mean we run around naked. So get those silly thoughts of backwardness out of your head. It’s just that our habits are very rare. For instance, we are the only country genius enough to brand a local cafe as a ‘Stomach Clinic.’ Yeah, I caught that sign walking down the streets of one estate in Nairobi and laughed my bottoms off. Let’s keep it as LMBO instead of LMAO for vulgarity reasons.
That said, over the past few weeks, there have been heated discussions on the proposed amendments in the Marriage Bill. Apparently, our intelligent MPs who are feeding off tax payers money sat down in their high-quality parliament leather seats (which we paid for) and decided to delete the clause that required a husband in a customary marriage to seek consent from his wife before marrying a second wife. How a national parliament would pass a bill that allows polygamy in the 21st century bothers me. But somehow at the back of my mind, I have that feeling of déjà vu. Remember the contentious Media Bill or the one that increased MPs salaries (they are already the highest paid in the world!)
It’s just that with Lupita Nyongo doing all those big things in Hollywood and Daniel Adongo playing for the NFL, I thought we were evolving into a more polished state. It’s like our honourable members of parliament took a really good report card and shoved it down our ASSES! I apologize for my language. Normally, I’m always not this vulgar, BUT I’M PISSED!
There are so many bills that could help the common mwananchi that need to be passed. Why do you have to sooth men’s ego by trampling on women’s toes? Just to clarify something, I am not a gender activist, and yes I may laugh when Nikita kicks men in the nuts. But I do not take pride in seeing men suffer at the expense of women.
Polygamy is a subject that men love to toy with all the time, what keeps them in check is consent first, which is almost NEVER granted. With good reasons of course – sharing is a good idea only if it doesn’t involve a foreign body colluding with your husband. The first wife has always had the upper hand because of the consent clause. You take it from them and you have a bunch of bitter woman, snorting, sneering and clawing at each other because there was no ‘consultation.’ Taking away this clause will make homes a high volatile area, unsafe even for the master conqueror who sees Jacob Zuma as a hero merely because he beds six women, legally.
The parliamentary debate on Thursday was heated one, female legislators stormed out of Parliament in rage, stating that the amendment on the bill was a direct violation of gender rights. And yes, they were in order to take offence in such ‘stone age’ antics by our honourable MPs (you should see the sarcasm that slides from my tongue when I say ‘honourable’). I am sorry Mr. Politician, but your consistency to fail your fellow constituents is deplorable. Now the ball is President Uhuru Kenyatta’s court, and every Kenyan waits to see if he will assent to the bill into law or revoke it. This late night Thursday debacle has caused mixed reactions among Kenyans, but mostly, the ones walking around town with silly smirks on their faces are our Kenyan MEN. Well, here is a thought: don’t UNZIP just yet, we know the President to be a very reasonable man when it comes to signing bills.


The Conman’s Pulpit

Everyone is looking for a miracle, and what better way to find it than in churches, the only place where we can collectively feel the presence of God. We must think pastors are such holy people. After all, they bridge the gap between God and man. So they perform miracles and pray for the congregation to receive favour in the eyes of the Lord. But how some of our ‘holy pastors’ have duped us!

In an expose titled Seeds of Sin, NTV’s Dennis Okari unearths the dubious business going on in some Kenyan churches today. Cons proclaiming to be men and women of God rip off the Kenyan faithfuls of their hard earned cents with the promise of delivering God’s miracles right at their doorsteps! These pastors brainwash individuals so desperate to feel the hand of God. Whatever happened to “Do not use the name of God in vain!” Prosperity gospel and working miracles are gaining momentum as wealth creation schemes in the pulpit, and it is the congregation who pays the price. Watch the video by clicking below.

Just a year ago, Mohammed Ali while working for NTV, revealed the comical story of Esther Mwende who was paid by a fake pastor in Nairobi to give false testimonies.

It is pathetic how fake pastors have tainted the sanctity of churches in their get rich quickly plans. And they spoil it for every genuine man and woman of God who preaches the gospel of truth. I would like to believe we are a religious people; a country littered with churches in every street corner, from the dingy alleys of Korogocho to the urbane neighbourhoods of Westlands. But the degradation of God’s word to prosperity gospel and duplicitous miracles is breeding skepticism among the people of God.

Miracles are God given and He doesn’t ask for money to do that, all He ever asks for is faith. I know according to God’s words, sin is sin and therefore all sins are equal but goodness gracious! sinning in the name of God cannot be put on the same scale as telling a lie. How do you put a price tag on miracles? I know the economy is tough, the recently implemented VAT bill makes it even worse for the average Kenyan to eke a living. This is no excuse for anyone to make quick cash by tricking unsuspecting Kenyans into paying for miracles. How low man has sunk!

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