Category Archives: Relationships

Honey, hold my purse

In broad daylight, along the sidewalks of the traffic-laden Tom Mboya Street, you spot a man sashaying a Louis Vuitton burgundy handbag. Inside that bag there are toiletries, lipstick, tampons, coins, keys, credit cards, diary, a little mirror and pepper spray.

No, it’s not a fashion statement. In fact when he left home in the morning, he only had his wallet tucked into the back pocket of his blue jeans. Even amid the honking cars and buzzing noise of sidewalk pundits, you can hear his silent distress call, coming from a place of torment and bruised ego.

Everything was going on fine until she blurted it out “Honey will you hold my purse?” followed by a coercive look that certainly assures him of impending trouble if he says no. This is the most hated question among men. The Guy Code has always been: no real man should ever be seen in public holding a woman’s purse. It is the bane of their masculinity and even questions their sexuality. Watch how this guy solves his humiliating situation.

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshh2xQ8Eu3l19IAhZh1

I am sure this could earn him a special place in the table of men.

Men dread holding the purse simply because it is blatantly a feminine accessory. It wasn’t always exclusively so when it was invented about a thousand years ago. Before the renaissance, before the world became too complicated with the issues of gender and sexuality, the purse was a unisex accessory – a coins holder.

I’d like to think that the territory was established when early modern European woman began complementing their tight corsage dresses with a tiny little purse carrying their ‘particulars.’ That’s what annihilated its masculine appeal. It was certainly not the last time women would grab something male and make it their own. Now we wear trousers, shorts, ties, boxers, boots and jackets. This list gets longer.

Just to experiment a little with statistics, I asked five of my male friends if they’d hold their girlfriend’s purses, and they answered with a roaring NO, just to affirm their manliness. You’d think I’d asked them to walk around town wearing a pleated skirt and a matching blouse.

What is so wrong with holding a woman’s purse? It is one of our most prized accessories, a personal item that we never give to anyone unless we trust them to protect it. When I ask you to hold my purse when I visit the bathroom, trust me, it is not a feminism campaign or a power struggle move. Even ORLANDO BLOOM does it!

photo courtesy of dailymail.co.uk

photo courtesy of dailymail.co.uk

Now, a man who is not afraid to hold my purse in public even if it is pink, that’s a keeper. That is the kind of man I’d like to surprise my mother with, one of these days.

I bet all women would gladly hold your wallets and flaunt them around town the whole day if you let them. I rest my case.

Bringing the sexy back…with the boudoir striptease

photo courtesy of laprincessaworld.blogspot.com

photo courtesy of laprincessaworld.blogspot.com

As much as they would like to deny it, the psychology of men is often, if not always, wired towards the physical appeal. Men, by nature get excited (you could say aroused) by how a woman presents herself physically, which doesn’t necessarily have to border on beauty. Whether she is attractive or not, ultimately, a woman who knows how to play her cards well in the seduction game gets the man. And if she is twice lucky, he gets to put a ring on it.

Sometimes, at a certain stage in a relationship, everybody is so jaded and is just trying to make it to the end of the day without stepping on each other’s toes. This is a time when a woman retreats back to her ‘comfort zone’ which is unfortunately too comfortable.

She can wear whatever she pleases in the bedroom. She can throw on an oversized green ‘Safaricom’ T-shirt and red Bata slippers. To complement this look, she dutifully tightens a gray stocking around her massive hair. If this is supposed to be sexy, then I never got the memo. Not to mention the overall bedroom malfunction, this is repelling to a man’s libido.

A few weeks back, a newcomer columnist for a certain Kenyan daily wrote an open letter to Citizen’s Lilian Muli complaining of how her ‘sexiness’ on the prime time news was in bad taste to all Kenyan women. In her comic laced letter, she complained how Kenyan women now have to serve dinner in heels just to fight for attention from their husbands who all seem to be smitten with the news anchor.

If you can feel insecure about people on TV then it is time to bring the sexy back in your own relationship. The boudoir striptease is like the home ground of seduction, and the lap dance is how you score the try (I’m sorry to be talking in rugby lingo). When you hear the word lap dance, your mind immediately wonders to a steamy, smoke filled room where under-aged girls (poor souls!) gyrate on the laps of old pot-bellied men with fat pockets. Something like a whore house, you know like Sabina Joy in Nairobi (how I knew Sabina Joy is none of your business, but I’m inquisitive, I know things).

But the boudoir striptease is a different story, besides it is totally legit. Certainly, a private lap dance for your boyfriend or husband is almost like the Holy Grail of any relationship. However as riveting as it may sound, the lap dance is an art, and every art has to be performed with ingenuity and style. Here are a few tips:

  • The striptease wardrobe is crucial, the moment you decide to do a lap dance is the same moment you burn that ‘Sing’enge ni Ng’ombe’ T-shirt you insist on sleeping in. Invest is some sexy clothing like lingerie, negligee or any role playing attire you want to adopt. The clothing should show some flesh without revealing too much. The aim of seduction is to expose while leaving some details to imagination. It also helps to wear heels, remember the heels debacle above (honey, men love a woman in heels, in the boardroom, in the streets and in the bedroom).
  • Take control and take pleasure in teasing him. Remember you are the MC and you are running the show. In short, you are the lady boss.
  • Before you do any twirling or swaying; be comfortable with your body. Keep in mind that you are trying to look sexy, not cringe beneath the bed. Cardinal rule: you cannot look sexy, if you don’t feel sexy.
  • A lap dance without music is like chips without Aromat (that advert on TV pisses me off). Apart from setting the mood, a good beat automatically synchs with your body. Feel the groove and let your body loose, releasing all your sensuality.

Tips aside, the boudoir striptease is ultimately about attitude and soul. It is about expressing your sexuality i

JOLENE –Every woman’s handbook to taming the ‘other woman’

photo courtesy of http://i.huffpost.com/

photo courtesy of http://i.huffpost.com/

A friend of mine called me in the wee hours of the night, whining like a strangled kitten because she suspected her boyfriend was cheating on her. Normally, I am very understanding when it comes to matters of the heart. But seriously, it was 3 in the morning! When is that ever a pleasant time for anyone? Well, except for nocturnal enthusiasts like night runners and (blame Vampire Diaries for this) vampires and werewolves. As she ranted on and on about her misgivings, I rummaged through my head for a solution to soothe her broken heart.

Then Bingo! It hit me – DOLLY PARTON! You are probably wondering where this is going, I had to consume three cups of coffee before I was convinced, myself. You see Dolly Parton gave women a simple handbook to tame the other woman, practical tips subtly disguised in the lyrics of a simple song called Jolene.

Anyone who has ever listened to this song certainly remembers how Parton’s lilting voice begs into the lyrics, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, I’m begging of you please don’t take my man…Please don’t take him just because you can…Your beauty is beyond compare…Please don’t take my man.

The other woman is a vixen, at least that is an assumption of the world, she is hot blooded too and can get any man she settles her eyes on. It is stereotypical, but that is what makes them so dangerous.

If you are a legitimate girlfriend or wife that has ever been ‘blindsided’ by another woman in hot pursuit of the man you are dating or married to, then you have certainly tried every dirty trick in the book. Probably, you have insulted her over the phone, threatened to cut her into tiny pieces or flog her in the market (which is refreshingly evil by the way). For the technology savvy ones, maybe you have named and shamed her on every social media platform you can access in the hope that she will get the memo and leave your husband/boyfriend alone.

But sometimes, no matter what you do, the other woman will never take the high road. Why, because these threats and insults make them toughen up, their skins are almost impenetrable.

Well, let me introduce you to a new approach. How about exercising soft power? I suggest that you BEG her to leave your man alone. Some people underestimate the power of begging, and a lot of women probably hate me for suggesting this. But let me demystify. Yeah, I know the word BEG sends most women in a fit of rage (God, my stomach churns just by saying it). Women are emotional beings after all; our communication relies heavily on the emotional coordination within our body. This emotional coordination makes all women telepathic by default.

Begging her to leave your man alone will invoke an empathic chain reaction that will eventually lead to a common ground. It’s not weak; it is just taking a different approach to protect your territory. It is desperate I know, but show me any woman whose man is being snatched who is never desperate.

But don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you should go down on your knees because that is just PUSHING IT! Just be fragile for a minute, and let her see the vulnerability of your femininity. If she doesn’t take the bait then she just DARN EVIL! There is a special place for her in Guantanamo.

 

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