Before we begin on our weekly guilty pleasure of spoilers and rants, let it be known that this is Littfinger’s hate zone. Feel free to tell that old salamander to piss off. Please, please dear Benioff and Weiss let this be the episode he dies, I hoped and I prayed.
But as it would seem, the sixth episode of Game of Thrones titled Beyond the Wall was not where it was going to happen. Tik tok Littlefinger.
We start off the episode just as we left it, with Jon Snow’s Suicide Squad heading beyond the wall just dealing with their issues like Tormund Gianstbane looking forward to making cute babies with Brienne of Tarth. Such a genius idea guys. Look at them, twelve men (I counted but I could be wrong) of sound mind and legal capacity just heading out to snatch one wight from the infinite army of the dead. Death really is the enemy.
Their first face-off with danger comes in form of an undead bear who kills an insignificant member of the squad and wounds Thoros of Myr.
So far so good. Next they come upon a small group of White Walkers who are no match for the squad. They even manage to capture one alive. A little fighter this one, just before they subdue him he screams his heart out to summon an entire race of White Walkers.
If there was a point in your life you ever thought you were screwed, that wasn’t it. Now Jon and his squad are SCREWED, not you who was once stranded in an airport toilet with no tissue paper as your last call buzzed over the speakers.
Lucky for them they have Gendry who can run really fast (when did he acquire this skill???) and off he goes to send a raven to Daenerys as instructed by Jon.
And then we see them, an avalanche of the dead descends on Jon and his five men army. With the ice also sinking around them, our genius squad take refuge on top of a rock outcrop. Bless Mother Nature for such tiny miracles. Now it’s a stare contest between the White Walkers and our Westerosi Avengers as they wait on the surrounding water to freeze again.
Tik tok, tik tok. Gendry is running really fast. The squad is freezing as they try to sleep. Our little wight prisoner is restless. Thoros of Myr is no more. Look, the Hound is bored to death, as usual. He throws the first stone, and the second. Uh-oh, the water is frozen once again.
The wights attack. We almost lose Tormund. Freezing, outnumbered, there is no other way this battle could possible end for Jon and his crew. And then, a lake of fire.
Once again Game of Throne defies distance between continents as Daenerys, dressed like a real Ice Queen swoops in with her three children to save the day.
Aah, the things we do for love. She may deny it to Tyrion as much as she wants but Dany is falling in love with this man – Jon.
It’s a moment of relief to see the army of the dead get a taste of dragon’s fury. Yaassss bitches, we have dragons! Move wights, Get Out The Way!
Just when it looks too good to be true, the Night King aims his juju spear at Viserion and the poor thing comes tumbling down. Cersei will really like this guy. He has managed to kill a dragon.
Everyone joins Dany on Drogon’s back except Jon who is plunged into the icy water by a wight. Game of Thrones really has a thing for drowning lately. Unable to save the King in the North and with the Night King going for his second dragon kill, Dany flies away.
But Jon doesn’t die easily and as is expected he survives drowning. Look it’s Uncle Benjen coming to the rescue. Hey stranger.
The relief on Dany’s face when she sees Jon coming back to Eastwatch, and Jorah, the King of the Friendzone keeps taking it like a man.
Now that the matter of White Walkers has been briefly suppressed, Jon makes a really bad decision. Really Jon? We are bending the knee now? To see the King in the North revisit this salty subject and agree to bend the knee even when Dany was ready to risk it all for him breaks my heart.
I know he feels some sense of gratitude, and even guilt for what happened to her dragon but to sell out the North like that. The North Remembers and they are not going to take this betrayal lightly.
I wonder what Arya will say now that her precious Jon has decided to call Dany his Queen, seeing that she is so quick to judge Sansa for things she knows nothing about. A girl can sure hold a grudge. Don’t get me wrong I love Arya Stark and everything she represents but she needs to direct her dagger and anger to the elephant in the room. Aah Littlefinger, I couldn’t possibly be talking about you, could I?
Oh, and Viserion is a White Walker dragon now. I literally screamed when his eyes opened and they were blue. Cersei is really going to love this.
Seriously, you must have watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones by now. It’s Tuesday for Pete’s Sake, how slow can you be? But then, a girl is not judging just warning you that you will find spoilers here.
While lacking any major fight scenes, the fifth episode Eastwatch was the perfect way to cool off from the Loot Train Battle in The Spoils of War.
We jump right off to it with Bronn saving Jaime from the depth of the river. Like Game of Thrones would just let Ser Jaime drown, pfft. Drowning is for inconsequential characters like say Ed Sheeran who is probably part of the Lannister army who took the heat from Drogon.
Nooo, Dickon Tarly, I liked that guy with his handsome face and really, really weird name. But I guess Daenerys and Drogon had to have their fun. Fare thee well Dickon and Lord Randyll Tarly (you sir I didn’t like).
Despite Drogon’s briefly showing off, there were a lot of moments to live for in Eastwatch, more reunions to remind us that Game of Thrones gives as much as it takes, a surprise announcement from Cersei, Jon petting Drogon (this is where I lost my shit) and so many lingering looks between Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen.
Guys, it seems like the Mother of Dragons couldn’t keep her eyes off the King in the North. We saw it, it started way back before Jon petted Drogon, that side glance she threw him in episode 4. Jon is that guy who comes to your house and falls in love with your kids like they are his own. Who wouldn’t want that?
Dany even had the audacity to forbid the noble King in the North to go beyond the wall because, well, people die beyond the wall. She swallowed hard at that moment, just couldn’t keep her eyes off him and no more talks of “bending the knee.”
“If I don’t return at least you wont deal with the King in the North anymore.”
“I’ve grown used to him.”
Hmmm, love just knocks you off your feet when you least expect it, doesn’t it Daenerys?
Jorah Mormont saw it too (welcome back good soldier), even Tyrion didn’t miss this developing love story.
A round of applause for Tyrion, he had his first drink of the season now he can know more things. Or maybe they are just more terrible strategies that Cersei will use to her own advantage.
I smell a White Walker alliance coming because Cersei, well, is crazy. And now she is with child, or is she? With Cersei you can never know for sure.
Oh Arya, to be young and restless. Our little assassin has gone for many days without killing something, she was just dying to stick Needle into anyone’s throat say like Lords of the North or even her own sister Sansa.
Arya was way in over her head in Eastwatch that she played right into the hands of schemer extraordinaire Littlefinger. The Lord Protector of the Vale planted a letter Sansa wrote to Robb a while back when she was still Joffrey’s play thing. If you remember correctly, Sansa was forced to pen this letter by Cersei to ‘talk sense into her family’ to bend the knee to then King Joffrey after Ned Stark was arrested for treason.
It’s a shame that the Faceless Men do not teach their students how to scheme. A girl has fallen into a trap. Now a girl is out to murder her sister. Y’all think Sansa is on Arya’s list now? Sleek Littlefinger, very sleek but still piss off you creep.
Better news than Arya getting played, Gendry is back and he can swing a hammer. White Walkers should be very afraid. Just imagine a band of misfits Jon Snow, Gendry, Jorah Mormont, Tormund and his Free Folk, The Hound and the Brotherhood Without Banners heading beyond the wall. Again, White Walkers should be very afraid.
Boo to Sam for ignoring the biggest revelation from Gilly – Jon is actually a legitimate Targaryen!😲😲😲
Quick question, where is Grey Worm and the Unsullied?
The internet is dark and full of spoilers.
The script of the fourth episode of Game of Thrones may have been leaked (to those who read it, TRAITORS) but still The Spoils of War hit hard like a wrecking ball of fire.
In the previous three episodes, things were starting to look quite easy for Cersei, a little too easy for someone with that many enemies. Through her blood-thirsty ally Euron Greyjoy, she had defeated Daenerys’ allies, raided Highgarden for gold and became a new favourite for the Iron Bank. Such luck, we were beginning to worry.
In retaliation to the Queen’s Justice, the Mother of Dragons serves up her own justice against the Lannister’s army (after nagging Jon about bending the knee). Heeding to Lady Olenna’s advice “You are a dragon, be a dragon,” Dany swoops in just in time to show Cersei who the real Queen is.
Riding Drogon, the fearless Dothraki by her side, the Lannister army doesn’t stand a chance. This is the moment we have all been waiting for. For Daenerys to give Westeros a little taste of her dragon’s fury. It’s a masterpiece, and everyone including Jaime and Bronn are in awe as the platinum blond miniatured on Drogon’s back awashes the Lannister army with dragonfire. “Dracarys.” And everything in Drogon’s path turns into dust. Fire and blood.
Oh, wait a minute, the Lannisters possess a secret weapon – Qyburn’s dragonkiller cross-bow.
Wounded by Bronn, Drogon isn’t one to go down without a fight. Game of Thrones creators must really love Bronn because how he escapes the dragonfire is really, really questionable. Major characters have gone down for a lot less.
Or maybe his life is spared so he can save Jaime who, caught in the heroism of the moment and seeing Drogon wounded, seizes the moment to attack Dany.
Bad move mate, as echoed by his brother Tyrion who watches from a distance as Jaime advances towards Dany. Tyrion knows it, we know it, Drogon will protect his mother at all costs. He unleashes fire on the advancing Lannister. Uh-oh, is this how it ends for the Kingslayer, death by dragonfire?
Swoosh, Bronn to the rescue. The last we see of Jaime is him plunging deep into the river unsure whether he is dead or alive. Is this how he dies, death by drowning? That’s not a death befitting someone as significant as Ser Jaime. But then Game of Thrones is never here to please anyone.
Away from dragons and fire, behold, a girl is home. Arya Stark’s reunion with her siblings Sansa and Bran, er the Three-Eyed Raven, was beautiful to watch but nothing quite beats her friendly combat with Brienne of Tarth. Brienne, the tall thing of beauty she is, towers over Arya who wields Needle (a laughable weapon at first glance) but quite a dangerous one once she starts waterdancing around Brienne.
Brienne: Who taught you that?
Arya: No One.
Jaqen H’gar would be proud.
It’s quite a match, even Sansa and creepy Littlefinger can’t believe the metamorphosis of young Arya Stark.
For a show that has been criticized for belittling and raping women, GoT has sure come a long way in the strong woman narrative, from the empowered former slaver multi-translator Missandei to the brilliant and enlightened Sansa Stark. This is no longer a war of Kings but of Queens.
Watch carefully Littlefinger, the night is dark and full of terrors. If Brienne doesn’t slice his throat, maybe Arya will. I pray for that day.
Emo Bran continues to break women’s hearts as he succumbs deep into being the Three-Eyed Raven. Meera Reed, I speak on behalf of everybody when I say, we value your services to Bran and to the North. You were more than just Bran’s Uber driver to us.
O ye, of weak hearts, shoo. Go find something better to do with your time because as usual, you’ll find spoilers here as I try to wrap my head around the third episode of Game of Thrones S7: The Queen’s Justice.
Let no one speak to me for 100 days. I shall be in mourning. I am heartbroken. Send a raven, the Queen of Thorns is no more. The Queen’s Justice has been served on the only woman I have ever truly cared for in Game of Thrones. The woman who freed us from the monster that was Joffrey Baratheon. The woman who put the Sand Snakes in their place (other than Euron Greyjoy of course). We shall miss your wits and your sharp tongue. Fare thee well.
She may be dead but we are all satisfied it was on her own terms. Once she drinks the poison served to her by Jaime Lannister (who gives her the mercy of a quick painless death), she confesses to poisoning Joffrey and Jaime just stands there, swallowing his failure to return the favour. “Tell Cersei I want her to know it was me.” A true queen of thorns even in her last moments.
So much for Tyrion’s strategy of war. So much for the Unsullied capturing Casterly Rock. So much for Daenerys Targaryen’s war allies.
While we are still on the subject of the Mother of Dragons, can we also discuss how Dany would fail terribly in a grammar class? It’s always refreshing to see Missandei and Tyrion clarify simple lexicon to her. For instance her latest war of words with Jon Snow.
The highly anticipated meeting finally happens and Daenerys starts off as a little bit of an ass before ‘warming’ up to Jon Snow. Like c’mon Dany, give him the dragonglass! He’s a Targaryen for crying out loud!
I’m starting to think that Dany is a little too entitled for her own good. Yeah, yeah you had a horrible childhood, so did Jon, Bran, Sansa and Arya. But do you see them whining about it every chance they get. Also, this business of making Missandei waste too much saliva, breath and energy to introduce her needs to stop. “You stand in the presence of Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, rightful heir to the Iron Throne…blah blah blah.” My God, it’s been seven seasons, I think we get it already.
Ser Davos is a gem though. “This is Jon Snow.” Pause. Awkward silence. Expectation. “He’s King of the North.” I laughed so hard. Someone get the Onion Knight a beer. And throw in Missandei’s phone number while at it.
Tyrion might look like a failure at the moment for proposing shitty war strategies but he’s quite efficient when it comes to speaking on behalf of Jon Snow.
Did you see that smile they gave each other at the shores of Dragonstone. Pay attention ladies and gentlemen, that is a rare image of a Stark (until Bran speaks up, Jon is a Stark so let it go) exchanging genuine smiles with a Lannister.
At King’s Landing, Cersei is still on a winning spree, making booty calls, avenging old crimes and trying to keep the Iron Throne. When Euron presents his spoils of war to the Queen, we all know the end game for Ellaria Sand. But for Cersei to poison her youngest daughter and make her watch as she rots away in another level of evil.
Aye, aye, all present and future monsters and sympathizers of monsters everywhere, Cersei is conducting a masterclass on “How to be the best monster” in the dungeons. Good riddance to the Dornish plotline. Oh Cersei, how we all underestimated you.
Team Dany better start bringing their A game because at the moment Team Cersei is in the lead and they are winning comfortably.
Good job Sam. The Citadel was nice to us in this episode. No food. No poop. No gag reflex. Jorah Mormont is alive and well- greyscale gone. Now he can go love Daenerys in peace.
This never gets old, piss off Littlefinger.
And so it begins. Arya Stark’s cold open in Dragonstone is passed, Ed Sheeran is gone and it’s back to business as usual in Westeros.
As much as viewers have been questioning the role of Dorne and the Sand Snakes in Game of Thrones narrative, it was somehow sad to watch Obara and Nymeria fall at the hands of Euron Greyjoy.
Euron is certainly not messing around with this villain thing. Compared to Joffrey or Ramsay, his bloodlust actually matches his battle skills, and with a dash of glee as promised of his character. He is not like Joffrey who hid behind the crown like the coward he was. Nor is he like Ramsay who didn’t prove to be much of a fighter when he was finally thrown in the real battlefield by Jon Snow. Perhaps his biggest accomplishment as a psychopath was turning Theon into Reek. Poor Theon, not the kind of man you want fighting beside you in a battle. Poor Yara. Poor Ellaria. There goes part of Daenerys’ alliance.
Good thing she has her eyes set on the North courtesy of Melisandre who comes knocking at Dragonstone and convinces Dany to summon Jon Snow.
“Tell Jon Snow that his Queen invites him to come to Dragonstone. And bend the knee.”
She may be the Mother of Dragons but she is rather demanding. To summon our noble King in the North like that, asking him to bend a knee. Lyanna Mormont must hear about this.
Oops, Lyanna Mormont does hear about it. And like everyone in the council at Winterfell, she doesn’t appreciate the rest of Westeros taking the North granted.
“I mean c’mon, who do they think we are. We are the effin North for God’s sake. We remember. Ask Ramsay. Ask Meryn Trant. Ask Polliver. Ask Walder Frey, his baked sons and the entire males of House Frey. Yes, I am reciting Arya’s kills like I was there but who asked for your opinion. I am Lady of the Bear Islands.”
Even with the council’s disapproval, including Sansa’s and a creepy look from Littlefinger (I expect more scenes where Jon chokes Littlefinger), he still rides for Dragonstone because he needs Dragonglass to kill the White Walkers and Dany’s home is full of it.
The people’s enemy Cersei Lannister continues to plot. Looks like her minion Qyburn has found a way to kills Dany’s dragons. This episode couldn’t get any luckier for Cersei. Her ally Euron is killing her enemies for her. Dany’s dragons are not all that powerful. Arya is now heading North instead of South. Someone send a raven, what a lucky day for the Queen!
Missandei and Grey Worm, you beautiful creatures. Grey Worm, the Unsullied, teaching men how to love since 1934.
Seriously, Sam I cannot stand your scenes this season. Nope.
The opening scene. The brutality of it. The humour of it. The march after the killing. The victorious music. The quotes. “Leave one wolf alive, and the sheep are never safe.” Arya Stark’s revenge on House Frey was legendary – the best thing that happened in Game of Thrones season 7 episode 1.
Channeling what should have been her mother’s responsibility (had Benioff and Weiss revived her from the dead) as Lady Stoneheart, Arya transforms into a Faceless Man, gathers the Frey men for a feast a la The Red Wedding and poisons them all.
“When people ask you what happened here, tell them the North remembers. Tell them Winter came for House Frey.” Arya Stark has never been this quotable in all the six seasons on Game of Thrones. Atta girl.
Then she marches away, fiercely, eyebrows on fleek (as always).
In Winterfell, the woes of the King in the North begin. While holding a council on how to best fight the White Walkers, the first sign of tension between Jon Snow and Sansa Stark rears its ugly head. Then we catch a glimpse of Littlefinger, eyes gleaming with satisfaction as he watches the fire he ignited start to burn. Piss off you old prick.
It’s a good thing Sansa puts him in his place later. “No need to seize the last word Lord Baelish, I’ll assume it was something clever.” Damn, the Stark girls are on fire with the one-liners in this episode.
OMG Lyanna Mormont. The Lady of the Bear Islands is in her fiercest behavior as usual defending Jon’s honour. “I don’t plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me.” Lyanna Mormont, never change please.
In King’s Landing, Cersei Lannister, Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, err I mean Three Kingdoms (reality check from Jaime Lannister) is preparing an offensive against Daenerys Targaryen. Cersei being Cersei, has enemies everywhere and not enough allies to take on a girl with three dragons.
Enter Euron Greyjoy, the newly crowned Lord of the Iron Islands with his fleet of a thousand ships. Aye, exactly what Cersei needs. Oh and he brings with him a marriage proposal, taking a swing at Jaime’s one handedness while at it. Just rude, very rude. You don’t point out a man’s physical inadequacy in front of his lady err sister.
Watching Euron in action, we have no doubt that he will be a worse villain that Ramsay Bolton and Joffrey Baratheon combined. The beard helps. I’m not sure about his costume though but it’s Euron so anything is possible. Also someone needs to explain his uncanny resemblance to Theon Greyjoy’s Alfie Allen. Anyone?
Samwell Tarly. Nope, not gonna talk about it. The bed pan. The food. Moving on.
Hey look, it’s Ed Sheeran debuting a new single as a member of the Lannister army. I have to say he looks out of place but it’s Ed so he is allowed to look out of place, especially with that kind of voice. Also, Imma need that single on iTunes ASAP.
Welcome home Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen. Westeros has missed you. Dragonstone has missed you. And so it begins or as Dany says, “Shall we begin.”